Purely a figment of your imagination

What amuses, annoys, concerns or otherwise interests me – Noodlemaz


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#MeToo, Sex Ed, 50 Shades, Abuse & Consent

#MeToo has led to a lot of questions about what healthy interactions look like between people where at least one of the parties wants something sexy to happen. Unfortunately, a very widespread lack of understanding (and in many cases coupled with disregard for the safety or feelings of others) means that a huge number of people have been subject to painful experiences.

Sometimes men’s fears about ‘being labelled a harasser or rapist’ are absurd and absolutely should be met with derision (also, try living in fear of actually being assaulted) – if you can’t understand the difference between flirting and harassing, please get yourself some help. This is your problem to fix. Also watch this video!

But there is also a deeper problem in that we get a lot of bad information and there are vacuums that are filled with nonsense when it comes to sex and relationships, while we grow up. I recall chatting with friends around the time that the original 50 Shades film was announced (wtf?! we exclaimed – then last year brought us the second) and our discussions of abuse, relationships and sex education in schools; how bad it all is.

50Shades is Abuse

I don’t know who wrote this; please add in the comments if you do and I can amend!

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The scourge of the “gentleman”

2334277334_9439f3419c_zHow I wish we could stop suggesting men should be “gentlemen”.

Wait, wouldn’t it be great if we all taught boys gentlemanly ways, and we returned to a time of walking canes and hats (admittedly cool things)?

The problem is with imposing what you want to do (or think you should do) on women, rather than listening to what they want or what makes them comfortable; with taking their discomfort, however they express it, as a personal insult instead of a reason/request to behave differently.

Because the dance of the gentleman and the lady is outdated, sexist, and ignores the fact that we’re all individual people with different personalities and backgrounds and needs.

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Thoughts on Marriage

Topic: marrying while female. People start making assumptions and asking questions when this happens, because we still place a lot of societal expectations on women who take this step in a relationship, often without parallels for men.

Turns out I have loads more to say on this than I thought, what a surprise!

None of this post is a dig at anyone who’s done some or all of the things I wish to avoid (that others may find fun or necessary) – freedom is about choice, but choices also have context; that context differs in importance for different people, because we’re individuals. My/our choices and reasons, not necessarily anyone else’s.

If you’ve arrived for advice this might not be it, but my take-home is: never settle. You are not “too picky”. Be picky, being single is not inherently bad, and single is better than unhappy with the wrong person/people.

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On supporting sexism: repeat the nonsense

I know I haven’t written a thing for ages but I felt the need to lay this one out in more than a Storify because… does anyone actually read them?
But here are my favourites:

  • Pockets! They’re sexist. How much stuff have you broken?
  • Trump, misogynists, ‘gamerg*te’, white supremacists – a weird web of misery

Anyway, to the point. We all like our insults, and sometimes we reach for things that are less than ideal. Have got into this previously here & here.

The Storify topics are just 2 examples of sexism – quite far apart on the scale as it goes – but another huge one is rumbling along, the Google memo. Cue a bunch of guys coming forward to defend him because really, female inferiority is just science, right?!? Continue reading


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You need to stop being angry at women who don’t reply to your internet dating site messages

This comes up a lot. Other people have written insightful things about it, so I linked them in a Storify, which now lives here.

As background, my profile became quite long and specific over the years I hopped on and off OKCupid. It contained web links. Someone took issue with one of them…

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Double standards in judgement

This makes me very, very angry.

Originally posted via StorifyFavicon for https://storify.com

The victim in the Ched Evans rape case was relocated and given a new identify because people took it upon themselves to judge her a liar, him and his friends heroes because he kicks a ball for lots of money – they harassed her relentlessly.

There’s been a lot of coverage of the #Pistorius trial. A man who shot Reeva Steenkamp through a door in their home, who was feared by her and her loved ones before the act but that’s apparently not relevant.

Thumbnail for Oscar Pistorius would be allowed Paralympic sport return, says IPC
Oscar Pistorius would be allowed Paralympic sport return, says IPC

Oscar Pistorius will be allowed to compete in the future after being found guilty of the culpable homicide of his girlfriend. The South African double amputee runner was said to have acted “negligently” when he fired shots through a toilet door, killing Reeva Steenkamp, but in the “belief that there was an intruder”, judge Thokozile Masipa said in her verdict in Pretoria.

#Gamergate sees Zoe Quinn harassed by gamers because her ex saw fit to tell the world she slept with games journalists, and people claimed she “did it for reviews” (and it seems she didn’t – and anyway, personal lives should be just that, no?), covering their blatant misogyny with accusations of “corruption in journalism”.

Originally on Twitter:

Y’know what fucks me off about the likes of Pistorius, Ched Evans et al (apart from their criminal acts & pain they caused): hypocrisy.

Man is convicted of a crime but, Society: “Well he’s paid for it, work & personal life are separate, he has value, let it go”

Woman is accused by ex-lover and random guys of having consensual relationships loosely related to work “OMG CORRUPT BITCH GET LOST”
And people hound women, harass them, until they leave their industry, their career. Because their personal lives are up for public scrutiny.

This sexist, hypocritical bollocks fills me with pure rage. That these pathetic people are listened to when their hateful motivation is clear.

And abusive, dangerous men are let back out into society, back into their positions of power, to reoffend, to hurt more people. Because men.

In all these cases we are told the men deserve due process, reserve judgement, and all too often they are allowed back into their roles in public life, roles that carry responsibility, prestige, huge earnings, opportunities to repeat offend and ruin more lives.

But the women? No, the women can’t be trusted. They’re lying bitches, they had it coming, they can just stop listening to the abuse if it bothers them that much, but these industries aren’t for them anyway.

Can we stop this?


Links

Thumbnail for Minister criticises Pistorius rulingMinister criticises Pistorius ruling

A South African minister has said the acquittal of athlete Oscar Pistorius of murdering his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp is “extremely disappointing”. Minister of Basic Education Angie Motshekga told the BBC she thought the judgement was “based on technicalities, not on facts”. Ms Steenkamp’s parents have also said “justice was not served”.BBC

Thumbnail for Ched Evans is a rapist - he does not deserve to waltz back to Sheffield UnitedChed Evans is a rapist – he does not deserve to waltz back to Sheffield United

Does a footballer stop being a footballer when he’s a rapist? That’s the question being bandied around this week in relation to the former Sheffield United player Ched Evans. The 25-year-old sportsman was convicted of rape in April 2012, jailed for five years and is due to rejoin society in October. HOLLY BAXTER

Thumbnail for Misogyny, death threats and a mob of trolls: Inside the dark world of video games with Zoe Quinn - target of #GamerGate - TelegraphMisogyny, death threats and a mob of trolls: Inside the dark world of video games with Zoe Quinn – target of #GamerGate – Telegraph

“The graphic and specific death threats I have received have been terrifying.It’s really just about hurting women, which they have been quite good at. Four women, I think, have withdrawn [from the gaming industry] now saying it’s not worth it.” But trolling women is not what gamers claim that ‘GamerGate’ is all about. RADHIKA SANGHANI


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On the defensive about offence

Some Tweeted thoughts on offence and why some people get very defensive about people pointing out offence – potential or already realised.

Longer thoughts in this post: Offended? Good.

Offended? Good. It’s just an emotion. We can anger people, give joy – and offence. From a little to a hell of a lot.

Not sure people even know what offence means half the time. They hear it and think “pointlessly irritated person!” No…

All emotions have range. We can be happy about a great cup of tea, or a major life achievement.

From sad I dropped my biscuit, to someone has died.

Angry about worldwide abuse of childrens’ rights, down to chipping a favourite mug.

“Offended” does not have to mean screaming in pain.

It can be merely the equivalent of making a face at a bad smell you’ve noticed. Not traumatising. But elicits a slightly negative reaction.

So when someone says “that’s a bit offensive, yeah” – don’t say “omg don’t overreact no it isn’t you’re wrong”. Think about it for a minute.

We can sweat the small stuff if we want – life is a collection of small things. When bad small things pile up on certain people/groups, argh!

Maybe they just mean it’s a simple error, no blame, no rage – easy fix, a little good done in the world; it all adds up. Like the bad stuff does.

So don’t tell people how to feel, or react, just because you can’t possibly imagine finding that smell unpleasant. Trust in other humans.

If one person says something, be sure there are others.

picture31

But don’t assume just because someone points something out that they have ill feeling towards you, assume anything about your overall character or intent, or are inconsolable.

Unless you go on to argue with them pointlessly instead of just making an easy fix/apologising – then they might be well within their right to start assuming.