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What amuses, annoys, concerns or otherwise interests me – Noodlemaz


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#MeToo, Sex Ed, 50 Shades, Abuse & Consent

#MeToo has led to a lot of questions about what healthy interactions look like between people where at least one of the parties wants something sexy to happen. Unfortunately, a very widespread lack of understanding (and in many cases coupled with disregard for the safety or feelings of others) means that a huge number of people have been subject to painful experiences.

Sometimes men’s fears about ‘being labelled a harasser or rapist’ are absurd and absolutely should be met with derision (also, try living in fear of actually being assaulted) – if you can’t understand the difference between flirting and harassing, please get yourself some help. This is your problem to fix. Also watch this video!

But there is also a deeper problem in that we get a lot of bad information and there are vacuums that are filled with nonsense when it comes to sex and relationships, while we grow up. I recall chatting with friends around the time that the original 50 Shades film was announced (wtf?! we exclaimed – then last year brought us the second) and our discussions of abuse, relationships and sex education in schools; how bad it all is.

50Shades is Abuse

I don’t know who wrote this; please add in the comments if you do and I can amend!

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Incels and taking online misogyny seriously

I am not happy to write this. Not a bit. There is absolutely no joy in “I told you so” when “These people are deadly” is again reality.

It’s sickening that having mentioned one murderer so recently, they been invoked in the killing of another 10 innocent people. Another 10 families inverted as misogynistic hate groups congregate online.

I do think it is our responsibility to pay attention to these elements of hate because ignoring them has never made them go away.

This is a resource for learning about “incels” and associated hate groups of the manosphere – the broiling mess of anti-women communities on the internet. I think it’s important to learn about this, so please take some time if you can.

[Content notes for sexual violence]


A great way is to follow David on Twitter and/or get email updates from We Hunted The Mammoth – a truly heroic group, started by him, that summarises what these people are up to so we don’t have to get close to it.

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The scourge of the “gentleman”

2334277334_9439f3419c_zHow I wish we could stop suggesting men should be “gentlemen”.

Wait, wouldn’t it be great if we all taught boys gentlemanly ways, and we returned to a time of walking canes and hats (admittedly cool things)?

The problem is with imposing what you want to do (or think you should do) on women, rather than listening to what they want or what makes them comfortable; with taking their discomfort, however they express it, as a personal insult instead of a reason/request to behave differently.

Because the dance of the gentleman and the lady is outdated, sexist, and ignores the fact that we’re all individual people with different personalities and backgrounds and needs.

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Thoughts on Marriage

Topic: marrying while female. People start making assumptions and asking questions when this happens, because we still place a lot of societal expectations on women who take this step in a relationship, often without parallels for men.

Turns out I have loads more to say on this than I thought, what a surprise!

None of this post is a dig at anyone who’s done some or all of the things I wish to avoid (that others may find fun or necessary) – freedom is about choice, but choices also have context; that context differs in importance for different people, because we’re individuals. My/our choices and reasons, not necessarily anyone else’s.

If you’ve arrived for advice this might not be it, but my take-home is: never settle. You are not “too picky”. Be picky, being single is not inherently bad, and single is better than unhappy with the wrong person/people.

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On supporting sexism: repeat the nonsense

I know I haven’t written a thing for ages but I felt the need to lay this one out in more than a Storify because… does anyone actually read them?
But here are my favourites:

  • Pockets! They’re sexist. How much stuff have you broken?
  • Trump, misogynists, ‘gamerg*te’, white supremacists – a weird web of misery

Anyway, to the point. We all like our insults, and sometimes we reach for things that are less than ideal. Have got into this previously here & here.

The Storify topics are just 2 examples of sexism – quite far apart on the scale as it goes – but another huge one is rumbling along, the Google memo. Cue a bunch of guys coming forward to defend him because really, female inferiority is just science, right?!? Continue reading


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You need to stop being angry at women who don’t reply to your internet dating site messages

This comes up a lot. Other people have written insightful things about it, so I linked them in a Storify, which now lives here.

As background, my profile became quite long and specific over the years I hopped on and off OKCupid. It contained web links. Someone took issue with one of them…

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Confessions Of A Former Misogynist

NB/ there’re descriptions of violence in this, obviously – don’t read on if that’s not something you want to deal with today.

Another guest post for you, readers. This time, my friend Ben recounts his transition from misogynist to feminist. Yes I am happy to call him a feminist; I don’t think one needs to experience a form oppression to disagree with and stand against it. Men can be feminists; many are and they’re valuable allies.

I think this is an important post because it’s from a man who confesses his attitude was wrong, who noticed that, and then changed it over time. That doesn’t seem to happen too often (links at the end, however) and hopefully it might inspire some people, or at least help us to make sense of why people can harbour these common, irrational feelings of hatred.

Text by Ben; I have added in headings, images and links.

What about the men?

“If I can’t have you, no one can!”

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