Generic Dating Profile™

I’ve used online dating apps on and off for longer than I care to think about. Here are some common things you’ll find (from men’s profiles*) if you venture in, too!

I really hate it when girls don’t reply because I’ve put so much effort in saying “Hi beautiful!” – it’s just rude.

Most of all you must realise: I don’t take myself seriously. If you take yourself too seriously, we probably shouldn’t hang out. Life’s a big joke, right. Woohoo, I love travelling and food!

We found it!

Lol no way no ugly fat chicks I’ma ignore that haha, sluts.
I’m looking for NSA fun who wants fun?

I’m adventurous

To show that I’m fun and well-travelled (because only plebs aren’t, obviously), see me doing some or all of this cool shit:

Snow! You can find snow if your family has money
  • At the Grand Canyon!
  • Skydiving!
  • Bungee jumping!
  • Pointing at Machu Picchu!
  • Taking a whacky photo with my friends at the Salt Flats
  • Skiing/snowboarding
  • Petting a captive dolphin
    [pro-tip: don’t do this, it is horribly cruel & you’re funding a nasty industry, this is not endearing]
  • Bombing into a pool

I am lovable

I liek cats and boardgams

Check out these pictures that prove I am not an emotional deadzone or recluse!

  • I’m having a hug with my mum or elderly relative
  • Look, cuddling a cute dog! [Pets are indeed good].
  • Holding a small child (don’t worry it’s not mine just showing I like babies cos chicks love it, right?)
  • I’m a complete gentleman [vom] with traditional values [repeated vom]
  • See my sleepy face on a pillow [I rather like this]
  • WHEN I WAS FIVE [how is this useful?!]
Donkeys are nice. RIP Barbara 😦

I’m youthful, fit and fun!!

Check me out:

  • In my morphsuit
  • Necking beers/cocktails
  • Doing a Tough Mudder course
  • Posing at the gym
  • Posing topless in front of a mirror
  • Posing topless in front of a mirror while obscuring my face with my iPhone
  • Sitting on a lounger in my sunglasses by the pool/on a beach
  • With this minor celebrity

And other annoying/disgusting things

  • Here’s my Myers-Briggs personality type! [Clue: it’s crap]
  • Every picture is of me and 5 other people, so have fun guessing which one I am!

I am one and/or all of these people. You like the look of one of my friends, not me
  • Mmm, smokin’ a cigar [ew]
  • My job clearly isn’t what I’ve said it is
  • Willing to say we met in a bar! [Aw, you people still ashamed of online dating as if finding out a bit of someone’s personality first is shameful]
  • Profile text? No way. Guess! Ask me questions (I’ll ignore them but it’s a good use of your time!)

Ugh. Women. Ugh. So emotional. Like, I’m so laid back. I’m basically horizontal.

Can’t be dealing with any emotions. Baggage, man, wtf? Take that and keep on walkin’, because I am a drama-free zone. All my exes are crazy though, that’s not my problem. Don’t be moody! Don’t be sad, ever! SMILE.

Don’t expect me to do that “listening” or “support” stuff, hahaha.
Look at my shiny suit.


* I mostly see straight/bi men’s profiles, some bi/gay women’s – but am informed some of these do also apply to straight women.
Feel free to add your experiences below!

Edit: plot twist. In the end, reader, I married an internet find – it’s not all hopeless!

10 thoughts on “Generic Dating Profile™

  1. Skamma?

    If women didn’t need men to conform to a certain profile and be so very socially-conforming, then men wouldn’t have the above checklist of traits they feel the need to prove to women merely browsing on a social media platform. Talk about objectifying people, and then wondering why, a bit further down the line, when all these systems and technology have had their time to worm their way into our psyche, that we become so fascist as a society. In so many ways. So conformist. So scared to do x y and z out of our comfort zone. So scared of weirdos, ‘randos’ and potential mentally-ill people. Especially men. Hetero men will still have sex with mentally-ill women and don’t care, more or less. So it’s a double-standard. Longer term relationships ALSO suffer this double-standard, note…
    Merely being ‘weird’ makes people scared, due to human nature – and people fear what they don’t understand, not love what they don’t understand, and few women appear to be inherently-curious and willing to overcome fear – especially these days, see below – unless provoked by perhaps strong physical attraction, game, charm whatever).

    All this reveals some pretty dark things about human nature, as well as that subset of human nature *in the context of this technology and our OVER-RELIANCE ON IT* (the bit I hate as it is slavery-lite and causes, IMHO dumbed-down ‘computer says no’ syndrome and fascist-like categorising and dehumanising of people). But, hey, what do I know? I’m just a High-Functioning Autistic man with plenty going for him who has to navigate a lot of these issues and likes to stay sane and rational about what is going on and who is actually doing it. Which isn’t the same as who needs to be manipulating themselves to overcome the issues – but then that gender-bias and female privilege (since, evolution says males dance to the females’ tune) is a whole long study and story. But never lie about the truth of sexual reproduction, someone may need to hear the truth, and I believe we all do better when we’re realistic… 😉

    1. It’s a joke post, dudebro. Below replies are also me, forgot to log in. But thanks for helping to prove the satirical point.

      Men will pity-sex at mentally ill women? Great! That’s just what we want. Jesus christ.

  2. Skamma?

    The above kind of logic being why I’d never be a Feminist – what an out-of-date view. Or, how do you define ‘Feminism’? Since there is a lot of evidence that its logic is pretty poor and not based in empirical science anyway… What is the conformation-bias quotient of Females, no matter HOW educated (although education in hard subjects tends to help IMHO) who see a social movement that will give them more power – and say to themselves (consciously or rather more subconsciously) “Hey, that looks good, I’ll have some of that power, very useful indeed”. Hmm?
    “An injustice against one is an injustice against all” might be a better, more universal ethic.
    Humanism is the way, again IMHO. Nothing divisive about it, unlike so-called ‘Feminism’, whatever *that* may be defined as (a Marxist-derived social movement designed to make ugly and beautiful women have more closely-matched social status rather than their natural hierarchy derived from evolution, whilst maintaining their Female protected-from-harm privilege, at the expense of male privilege, the latter given in return for that protection-from-harm in the first place, whilst breaking-up the family unit and re-imagining the strata of society in a different way – one that poses as superior, yet goes against human instincts so strongly, that it causes cognitive dissonance and conflict arguably to the point of harm equivalent to any supposed patriarchy, but with a gender-bias, hence one might have great advantage [short-term, mind-you] in being intellectually-dishonest about Feminism in exchange for power and supposed independence, including from relationships where raising children is one of the primary focuses… then children are required regardless and end up being raised without fathers or with logically-dubious indoctrination, but the data is still coming in and the jury is still out, apparently. Like any orthodoxy, its followers will be emotional and ego-defensive in their adherence to it. Proving its worth as being somewhat invalid, if it has not promoted logic and reason amongst its female adherents (that they might be equal to the males whose logic and reason ostensibly ruled before in the form of ‘the Patriarchy’, or just made all the technology that might one day replace males altogether – posing the problem of who controls the technology controls society completely.
    Whilst it poses as a more progressive movement than mere religions, it relies on the same mentality and psychology as them. Possibly on purpose. At best, by accident (“the road to hell is paved with good intentions” style).

  3. Skamma?

    Of course, a lot of this simply breaks down into the simple components of:
    I am woman! Fear the wrath of my privilege to get my own way, all the time, ever being scorned!
    Men might even go for that in exchange for a bit of pussy and company (sorry to be so cynical, but… on a neurochemical level, analyse it…)
    EXCEPT that often, even if they compromise in whatever nice guy way – they STILL have to have bullshit put in their face on top of that about how ‘Patriarchy’ and blah blah blah ‘Equality’.

    Then never have the balls to ask the fools spouting this shit, how much Orwell they’ve ever read, and if they ever got the point about 1984’s Newspeak (‘equality’ meaning like in Animal Farm ‘some are more equal than others’) and Doublethink (cognitive-dissonance-prone broken-logic philosophies introduced to weaken and control the minds they’re pushed-onto).

    I read that stuff probably before the age of 12, maybe aged 8, I forget, but it stuck with me. It wasn’t science-fiction, it was instructive of what to avoid in society and politics, law etc. Humanity. Value it, in other words.

    Then you find that dating websites are full of crushingly-boring and conformist people who can’t be real, because of these social shackles that they *don’t even realise they’re wearing*… Who’ve lost some of their humanity, perhaps quite a lot of it – and don’t even realise it / how / why / who their real enemy is
    Thus – hence I pay attention to the subject in particular –
    they need to scapegoat ‘weirdos’ with prejudice so extreme it makes the stereotypical KKK member look moderate towards black people!
    Next stop, is eugenics for social non-conformists. Or maybe we can relax, that’s about three or four stops down the road, still. But we’re ON that road already, and suddenly people wake up that we have Trump and Fascist tendencies on the rise in a big way. You were not listening when I wanted to talk about such adult subjects in a social setting, were you? No, too ‘weird’ for you after a hard week’s work making the 1% elite money (where’s all the time go, that one might use for intellectual self-improvement, eh?) The weak people just want ego-placating, simple-as-that. Which is understandable, and cool. Especially in the form of live music and good banter, laughter etc. But if laughter is the only way that you can have the truth told to you, then you’re fucked – and you’re the problem, because not everyone can be a comedian, and we need everyone on board to combat the REAL enemies of humanity.

    Everyone on board, armed with GOOD logic, not with Groupthink saying anyone in the ‘out-group’ is a ‘weirdo’ and thus not to be trusted! Regardless of the ‘weirdo”s potential good logic, good intentions, etc.
    Too lazy/tired / bored / dismissive / short-attention-span, to judge properly, is a recipe for Fascism to take over. People just don’t learn. Whilst they handed their privacy over for some paltry free email and messaging apps, etc.

    The tools to enforce Fascism are now in place. Whilst you were sleeping, they were being built, and everyone pretended they didn’t matter, because they “weren’t a terrorist”. HITLER mentioned “terrorists” (in the form of Communist activists, real or imagined, re: Reichstag Fire). You history-ignorant fools fell for the modern version, and modern technology VASTLY outguns 1930s-1940s ability to monitor political opposition. So, no chance of a revolution. Ever again.
    “Like a boot stamping on a human face. Forever. ” – Orwell.

    Exceptions to these sleepwalking idiots, please have my apologies, but you are happy enough either way, so no worries!

    Again, realistic, being real. I might start asking people as a sort of ‘chat-up line’ “Have you read Orwell’s ‘1984’?” “No? Byyyyyye!”

    1. Noodlemaz

      Well done you for having read some books at school! Don’t worry, other people did too. I think you missed the point of this post, dude. Feel free to use whatever screening tactics in your own search that you like.

      Thanks for the comedy implication that women always get their own way, though. That seems more in the spirit.

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