Purely a figment of your imagination

What amuses, annoys, concerns or otherwise interests me – Noodlemaz

Generic Dating Profile(tm)

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I’ve used online dating apps on and off for longer than I care to think about. Here are some common things you’ll find (from men’s profiles*) if you venture in, too!

Most of all you must realise: I don’t take myself seriously. If you take yourself too seriously, we probably shouldn’t hang out. Life’s a big joke, right. Woohoo, I love travelling and food!


We found it!

I really hate it when girls don’t reply because I’ve put so much effort in saying “Hi beautiful!” – it’s just rude.

Lol no way no ugly fat chicks I’ma ignore that haha, sluts.
I’m looking for NSA fun who wants fun?

I’m adventurous

To show that I’m fun and well-travelled (because only plebs aren’t, obviously), see me doing some or all of this cool shit:


Snow! You can find snow if your family has money

  • At the Grand Canyon!
  • Skydiving!
  • Bungee jumping!
  • Pointing at Machu Picchu!
  • Taking a whacky photo with my friends at the Salt Flats
  • Skiing/snowboarding
  • Petting a captive dolphin
    [pro-tip: don’t do this, it is horribly cruel & you’re funding a nasty industry, this is not endearing]
  • Bombing into a pool

I am lovable


I liek cats and boardgams

Check out these pictures that prove I am not an emotional deadzone or recluse!

  • I having a hug with my mum or elderly relative
  • Look, cuddling a cute dog! [Pets are indeed good].
  • Holding a small child (don’t worry it’s not mine just showing I like babies cos chicks love it, right?)
  • I’m a complete gentleman [vom] with traditional values [repeated vom]
  • See my sleepy face on a pillow [I rather like this]
  • MBdonkeyBarbara

    Donkeys are nice. RIP Barbara 😦

    WHEN I WAS FIVE [why is this useful?!]

I’m youthful, fit and fun!!

Check me out:

  • In my morphsuit
  • Necking beers/cocktails
  • Doing the Tough Mudder assault course
  • Posing at the gym
  • Posing topless in front of a mirror
  • Posing topless in front of a mirror while holding my iPhone in front of my face
  • Sitting on a lounger in my sunglasses by the pool/on a beach
  • With this minor celebrity

And other annoying/disgusting things


I am one and/or all of these people. You like the look of one of my friends, not me

  • Here’s my Myers-Briggs personality type! [Clue: it’s crap]
  • Every picture is of me and 5 other people, so have fun guessing which one I am!
  • Mmm, smokin’ a cigar [ew]
  • My job clearly isn’t what I’ve said it is
  • Willing to say we met in a bar! [Aw, you people still ashamed of online dating as if finding out a bit of someone’s personality first is shameful]
  • Profile text? No way. Guess! Ask me questions (I’ll ignore them but it’s a good use of your time).

Ugh. Women. Ugh. So emotional. Like, I’m so laid back. I’m basically  horizontal.

Can’t be dealing with any emotions. Baggage, man, wtf? Take that and keep on walkin’, because I am a drama-free zone. Don’t be moody! Don’t be sad, ever! SMILE.
Don’t expect me to do that “listening” or “support” stuff, hahaha.
Look at my shiny suit.



*I mostly see straight/bi men’s profiles, some bi/gay women’s – but am informed some of these do also apply to straight women.
Feel free to add your experiences below!


Author: noodlemaz

I prefer to think of myself as a realist rather than a pessimist, but perhaps that's just optimistic. Honest, atheist, scientist, feminist.

One thought on “Generic Dating Profile(tm)

  1. That was great “straight up” hehe

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